Professor, what's another name for pirates' treasure?

Who doesn't have a question that needs answering by a Professor with a doctorate in rhymin' and stealin'? Send an email to [email protected].

"My dad took away my favorite stuffed animal and the only way I can get it back is to keep my room clean for one week. I'm bad at this. Here's how bad: I haven't seen my stuffed animal for six months! I need tips for keeping my room clean."

Well, don't you sound sweeter than cherry pie with Reddy Whip topping! Living at home is such a drag, or so I have read. I left home to be a pirate at the age of six, so I am not the one to ask, but I will answer your question anyway. In my opinion, you don't need tips on how to keep your room clean, you need tips on how handle that tough-guy father of yours. He sounds sick and evil. Play his dirty game. Take something of his. Tell him that he can get it back when he stops being a dick. Tell him what goes around, comes around.

"I am in the market for a new blender. What should I look for when shopping? Are expensive models really that much better than inexpensive ones?"

I have some advice for you that is sure to ease the obvious pain you are feeling. When I read your letter I had to step back; I had to contemplate. After much consideration I have come to the conclusion that you are not playing with a full deck. Let's be real and not cloud the issue: blenders are for assholes. This may sound intense, but I am not talking nonsense. If you purchase a blender, I promise your life will start to come apart at the seams. You don't need no crazy blending lifestyle. It's time to change your ways. Start now by buying and consuming one O.E. every day until I tell you to stop.

"Is there a quicker way to move from window-to-window (besides clicking with the mouse) when I am using multiple applications in the Windows operating system?"

Chilly-chill out, matie! It's intuition time and I am sensing that you are not as cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce. To tell you the truth, you sound like the dictionary definition of the word spastic! Seriously now, what do you need save time for? We both know you don't have a life. You've gotta slow the fuck down. Put your lame computer worries on hold for a day and expand your horizons. Have you ever looked for sunken treasure? I have and it soothes the soul. I like it smooth terribly. Smooth like coconut lotion. I think you will, too.